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Once upon a time there lived in the castle of the Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, in the land of Westphalia, four happy young people. Happiest of them all perhaps was Candide, the bastard son of the Baron's sister, for he had been raised in the castle and was treated almost as a member of the family. Cunegonde, the lovely daughter of the Baron, rejoiced in the knowledge that she was undoubtedly the most beautiful maiden in the kingdom and could look forward to a royal match. Maximilian, the Baron's son and heir, took even greater pride and joy in his own unparalleled beauty, which he knew to have been entrusted to him as a boon to his fellow beings. And Paquette, the winsome serving maid, derived great pleasure from the pleasing ways in which she served her mistress the Baroness and especially her master the Baron. Candide sighed a great deal, it is true, for the beautiful Cunegonde, and she in turn was far from insensitive to his manly charms, and Maximilian feared the waning of his beautiful looks, and Paquette sometimes had her hands full with her necessary services, but on the whole they were all supremely happy, for all of them were under the care and tutelage of the great Dr. Pangloss, who taught with wise persuasion that whatever the appearances, everything is always for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds.
One day, Cunegonde chanced to intrude on Dr. Pangloss while he was giving private advanced instruction in physiology to Mlle. Paquette. The good professor and the serving maid were pleased to explain and demonstrate the experiment in which they had been engaged, and the excited Cunegonde rushed off immediately to show off her new knowledge to Candide. Candide was at first puzzled, but quickly warmed to the experiment. It was at this point when they were interrupted by the Baron, the Baroness, and Maximilian, who were all very much shocked at such conduct. Candide and Cunegonde said that they loved each other and would be married. The family was outraged at the idea of Cunegonde marrying a bastard, and Candide was unceremoniously banished from the castle without delay.
The outcast Candide wandered friendless and hungry, trusting in his firm belief that all must really be for the best. He soon fell into the arms of two strangers who offered him succor and then promptly pressed him into the Bulgarian army, which had invaded Westphalia. Meanwhile, the Bulgarian army had stormed the castle of Thunder-ten-tronckh, pillaging, looting, raping, and slaughtering all the inhabitants, save for the fair
Cunegonde, who was nobly rescued by a soldier who realized what profits might accrue to him by the sale of so fine a body.
Unaware of what misfortunes had befallen his mistress and friends, Candide escaped from the army and continued his wanderings. At last he sailed for Portugal, but his ship was wrecked in a terrible storm in the Lisbon harbor. The fortunate survivor was washed up on shore, more dead than alive, just in time to witness a great earthquake that destroyed the city and left 30,000 inhabitants dead. Wandering among the ruins, Candide began to wonder what could be the good in such calamities, when he suddenly came face to face with his former master Dr. Pangloss, picking the pockets of the corpses in the street. It was not a pretty face, the good professor having suffered the worst ravages of the syphilis he had contracted from Paquette, but Pangloss pointed out to Candide that this was but the concomittant of love, expressing the greatlaw of compensation. Dr. Pangloss told Candide that along with the rest of the baronial family his beloved Cunegonde was dead- raped and
slaughtered- and assured the distraught youth that this was undoubtedly for the best, as a worse fate might well have otherwise befallen her..
Determined to root out the causes of such natural disasters as had just befallen, and also to greatly entertain the populace, the Holy Inquisition settled on the necessity of a grand Auto-da-F?, at which a sufficient number of heretics should repent and be burned at the stake.
Among the chosen victims were Dr. Pangloss, who was hanged for preaching his heretical philosophy of optimism, and Candide, who was flogged for listening to him.
It so happened that there was in the crowd watching the Auto-da-F? none other than Cunegonde. This unfortunate girl, after having been ravished by the army of Bulgars, had been sold to one brothel after another. Eventually she had attracted the attentions of an enormously wealthy Jew who installed her in a luxurious palace in Lisbon and showered her with costly jewels. In this state she had also caught the eye of the Grand Inquisitor, and an amicable agreement was reached under which she entertained the rich Jew and His Holiness on alternate nights, and this arrangement had been proceeding satisfactorily for some time. Having seen poor Candide whipped and left bleeding in the plaza, Cunegonde now sent her serving maid, a strange old lady with but one buttock, to fetch him to the palace and minister to him until he was healed.
Candide was greatly astonished and delighted to find his beloved, and did not inquire too closely into the source of her great good fortune. Their joyous reunion was interrupted by the rich Jew; in the course of a heated struggle that ensued, Candide accidentally caused the Jew to be impaled on his own sword. Immediately thereafter the Grand Inquisitor arrived in his turn. Confronted with the man who had had him flogged, hanged his dear master, and ravished his beloved (repeatedly, as she reminded him), Candide lost little time in dispatching His Holiness. The old lady returned, horrified to see what had been wrought in the few minutes she had left the lovers alone, and counseled immediate flight to Cadiz if their necks were to be saved. Cunegonde delayed just long enough to gather all her jewels, but on the road to Cadiz nevertheless the jewels were stolen by a Franciscan friar, to their great disappointment. Arriving in Cadiz, the old lady attempted to repair their sunken fortunes by exercising what she claimed were her fabled charms, but with no success whatever. Just then a mysterious stranger appeared and offered Candide a commission to lead a relief party in behalf of a Jesuit mission in South America. With hopes high, the three refugees set sail for the New World.
The voyage proved uneventful, save for the ship being boarded by Barbary pirates, all of Candide's relief party being killed or drowned, and Cunegonde and the old lady being taken captive. Candide himself did manage to reach the Jesuit post in Montevideo, where much to his amazement he discovered his old friends Paquette and Maximilian among the Jesuits. They too had miraculously survived the Westphalian war and eventually been taken prisoner and brought to the slave market in Cartagena, Colombia, where the great beauty of Maximilian, disguised as a woman, had attracted the eye of the lecherous governor who bought Maximilian for himself. Upon discovering the deception the governor was most annoyed and would have had Maximilian hanged, but in a great show of mercy handed him over to the Jesuits instead. Accompanied by the dutiful Paquette, who provided rewarding female company to the holy brethren, he had ended up in the very mission which Candide had come to defend. Maximilian was overjoyed to discover that Cunegonde still lived, but greatly annoyed to find that Candide still had every intention of marrying her, should he ever find her again. In the angry struggle that ensued, Candide accidentally upset a statue of St. Francis which toppled over, crushing the unfortunate Maximilian. Fearful lest he be caught and hanged for yet another murder, the well-meaning Candide donned Maximilian's Jesuit robes and fled into the jungle in the company of the ever-faithful Paquette.
After many weeks of struggling through the jungles and mountain wilderness of South America, Candide and Paquette at last stumbled on the legendary land of Eldorado, a place where they discovered to their amazement that everything is indeed for the best, just as their master Dr. Pangloss had said. The inhabitants were uniformly happy, prosperous, and peaceful; the very dirt was was gold and precious gems; and the animals could speak and express their contentment. Paquette soon tired of the uneventful life here, and Candide could not rest until he had found Cunegonde, so taking along some sheep laden with gold and diamonds they once again made their way through the uncharted wilderness, arriving eventually in Cartagena. Here they found the old lady, who had been put ashore by the disgusted pirates, seized by pygmies who, finding her inedible, had sold her to a German botanist, who in turn had set her up as the madame of the brothel in Cartagena where she was now able to inform Candide that the pirates' destination had been Constantinople, where they felt they would get the best price for Cunegonde.
Candide determined at once to sail for Constantinople. His train of sheep bore the greatest fortune in diamonds and gold the world had ever known, and it took little effort to persuade the governor to sell him for an outlandish sum a skiff to take him to the frigate bound that day for Constantinople. He purchased the old lady too, who had no desire to remain in Cartagena. The most seaworthy vessel that the governor had sold them nonetheless foundered almost immediately they were clear of the harbor. Candide, Paquette, the old lady, and the sheep were washed up on a desert island, swindled out of the bulk of their fortune; but they were soon rescued by the frigate which took them on to Constantinople.
Cunegonde had indeed been sold to a great sultan in Constantinople, and here she and Candide were at last reunited. All the gold that remained to Candide was just sufficient to buy her and Maximilian (who had again miraculously survived and wound up a slave in the very same household) from the sultan. Determined to start a new life together based on a superior philosophy to what Dr. Pangloss had taught, they sought out the wisest sage in the world, who happened to live in a cave nearby. The sage turned out to be none other than Dr. Pangloss himself, who had abandoned philosophy. In his new wisdom he counseled them not to think or seek after knowledge, but simply to work from day to day: for it is only work that makes life endurable. This they determined to do. Candide married Cunegonde, they bought a small farm, and lived, if not happily, at least productively, ever after.
